Shamu Meets Young Mom

According to Hollywood, somewhere between the ages of 22 and 29, my character breakdown went from "young minx" to "young mom". I'm not sure when this change occurred but I have to say I try not to get insulted when my casting notice in-box is filled with "young mom" auditions. Don't get me wrong, my friends who have kids are hot, and young, and of course moms, but when you don't have kids and wish you read minx, it's a hard pill to swallow. Let me start by saying that the backstory to this story is that for the last seven years I have exclusively auditioned and worked as a host, not an actor, and certainly not as a commercial actor. I gave that up when I left LA for New York and realized I sort of hated actors but wanted to interview them, just not be one. That being said, when I started the audition process out here, I not only needed money, but LA Casting is also filled with commercial audition notices promising THOUSANDS of dollars for you to say one line or simply smile. Seriously?? All I have to do is smile and deliver a line and you're going to pay me a lot of money? I could sell-out for that. During the seven years I had been away, an old friend of mine coincidentally became a commercial agent and out of the goodness of her heart, signed me, and started sending me out into the wacky world of commercial auditions.

First up was an audition for Sea World. Yup you read that right, Sea World, not Nike, not Budweiser, not anything sexy like that, just Sea World. Awesome. It again called for a young mom and payed thousands for one line. I decided I was going to land this one. I went into my sad excuse for a wardrobe and pulled out my most mom like outfit that I had purchased just for situations like this one. Baby blue button down, jeans, and flats. I was ready. With my "mom" headshot in hand I made the trip from Santa Monica to West Hollywood. The second I hit La Brea I knew I was in la la land because I glanced to my left and spotted Lisa Vanderpump with geriatric husband in tow, ducking into a lamp store while a few paparazzi shoved each other out of the way trying to snap a picture. I was so captivated by the circus to my left I nearly hit the paparazzo who did a leaping butt slide off the parked car to my right, running in front of me, and into on coming traffic to get a picture of a housewife no one really cares about. It must have been a slow day for celebrity sitings in Hollywood.

I parked my car and headed in, but not before some douche in an SUV backed up gently into my bumper, and then, realizing I was still in the car, sped away like a bat out of hell. Touche Douche (pronounce it like both words are French, there you go). Slightly flustered and already annoyed I checked my slightly scraped bumper and opened the doors to casting. On the way up the stairs, two models/streetwalkers shoved past me in hooker heels and bandaid dresses, causing me to wonder whether the "young mom" auditions also called for stripper outfits. Damn. Immediately after, two men in business suits came clamoring down as well just adding to my confusion. Wall Street Pros and Sorority Hoes perhaps? Still determined to meet Shamu, I made it to the second floor and instead met commercial audition hell.

There were at least seven different castings going on in the large waiting area, business men in one corner, streetwalkers in the other, and smack dab in the middle, young moms with their actual babies in bassinets next to them. Shit I forgot to bring my baby. As I went to sign in, the "LA straight" casting director gave me a big hug and said, "Hey it's so good to see you again!" Huh? Whatever, clearly the "young mom" he has me confused with is on his good side so I'll take it. I plopped myself down next to a mom in her 40's and her baby. The casting notice also called for husbands and kids between the ages of 7 and 12 to play family. You can only imagine. I quickly got paired up with my "family." A 10 year old girl with blonde, perfectly curled hair, lipstick and mascara, my frat boy turned father "husband", and me. Picture perfect. As we made our introductions and sat down to rehearse our sides (scripts), I noticed my "husband" seemed to be intently staring off into space. I asked him if everything was alright and he answered, "Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out my motivation here." I shit you not. Have I mentioned I hate actors? We then proceeded to rehearse, with my "husband" overacting on my left, and my "daughter" (PS I was a teen mom) trying too hard on my right. The kid was cute, but a total product of an overzealous stage mom living out her failures through her daughter. I felt bad for the kid but she was kind of an asshole. Is that bad? My "husband" then proceeded to coach my "daughter" on how to overact until it was time to go in.

In the end, I got through it, dutifully said my one line, and even got a call back a week later. Unfortunately it seems some other "young mom" is going to get to meet Shamu, but boy did I have a good laugh from my experience.

And Scene.