Go Big or Go Home

This week I have a call-back for a hosting/producing gig with the company that produced several Academy Award winning documentaries.  They are developing a "Weekend Update" meets "The Daily Show" for their website and all the hosts who got a call-back were also asked to submit writing samples/jokes on specific topics they gave us, to be performed at the call-back date.  I wrote an initial draft that my wonderful yet blunt fiance told me "needs a lot of work," and after I got over my bruised ego he stayed up with me until 1AM helping me perfect it.  He's actually really amazing at this sort of thing and challenged me to take the jokes to places I wasn't exactly comfortable with, but hey, I have a feeling it will get their attention.  Go big or go home.  The producers I met with are all young, funny, and told me the more out there it was the better so, here goes nothing.  Enjoy.

1) If you’ve been wondering where your tax dollars are being spent, look no further.  The Daily News reported that government researchers have made breakthroughs in a series of animal studies, including, the effects of cocaine on a rat’s taste in music, food and sex habits of hamsters, and my personal favorite, the effect of lemon scent on monkey erections.  The good news is we now know rats prefer jazz while doing blow, dieting hamsters don’t feel like doing the deed, and for some reason monkey boners smell like lemon.  Seriously though, if they were really trying to figure out the effects of cocaine on music, they should have just studied the life and times of Whitney Houston.  Too soon?

2) A Recent study shows that due to global warming, Inuit communities are reporting illnesses from contaminated water.  So, we melt their land, destroy their wildlife, and now we’re going to give them diarrhea so we can drive Hummers??  Awesome.  Research shows Inuit communities in the North prefer drinking brook water to tap water due to a lack of access.  So, um, clearly this their fault.  I mean, really, how dare they live off the natural land?  It’s shameful.  In other news, according to Republicans, there is no such thing as global warming or Eskimos. 

3) A team of American researchers flew to Mount Everest on Friday to study the effects of high altitude on human hearts.  Specifically, they plan to monitor nine climbers attempting to scale the world’s largest mountain to learn more about patients with heart conditions.  Luckily, none of the nine climbers have gone into cardiac arrest…yet. It will take them about a week to trek to the Everest base camp, with several porters and yaks helping to carry their 1,500 pounds.  That should do the trick.

4) Disclaimer: This joke needs to be done in person to get the full effect and I know it’s raunchy, so mom, earmuffs please

If you’ve ever been to Sea World and enjoyed it, you’re probably a terrible person.  Recent studies show that dolphins and orcas are more social than humans and are so intelligent they should be recognized as "non-human persons" and be given their own bill of rights.  In light of this news, performing porpoises around the world went on strike. And if you don’t know what an “angry dolphin” looks like, just try "surprising" your girlfriend in the behind. (dolphin imitation).