Go Big or Go Home

This week I have a call-back for a hosting/producing gig with the company that produced several Academy Award winning documentaries.  They are developing a "Weekend Update" meets "The Daily Show" for their website and all the hosts who got a call-back were also asked to submit writing samples/jokes on specific topics they gave us, to be performed at the call-back date.  I wrote an initial draft that my wonderful yet blunt fiance told me "needs a lot of work," and after I got over my bruised ego he stayed up with me until 1AM helping me perfect it.  He's actually really amazing at this sort of thing and challenged me to take the jokes to places I wasn't exactly comfortable with, but hey, I have a feeling it will get their attention.  Go big or go home.  The producers I met with are all young, funny, and told me the more out there it was the better so, here goes nothing.  Enjoy.

1) If you’ve been wondering where your tax dollars are being spent, look no further.  The Daily News reported that government researchers have made breakthroughs in a series of animal studies, including, the effects of cocaine on a rat’s taste in music, food and sex habits of hamsters, and my personal favorite, the effect of lemon scent on monkey erections.  The good news is we now know rats prefer jazz while doing blow, dieting hamsters don’t feel like doing the deed, and for some reason monkey boners smell like lemon.  Seriously though, if they were really trying to figure out the effects of cocaine on music, they should have just studied the life and times of Whitney Houston.  Too soon?

2) A Recent study shows that due to global warming, Inuit communities are reporting illnesses from contaminated water.  So, we melt their land, destroy their wildlife, and now we’re going to give them diarrhea so we can drive Hummers??  Awesome.  Research shows Inuit communities in the North prefer drinking brook water to tap water due to a lack of access.  So, um, clearly this their fault.  I mean, really, how dare they live off the natural land?  It’s shameful.  In other news, according to Republicans, there is no such thing as global warming or Eskimos. 

3) A team of American researchers flew to Mount Everest on Friday to study the effects of high altitude on human hearts.  Specifically, they plan to monitor nine climbers attempting to scale the world’s largest mountain to learn more about patients with heart conditions.  Luckily, none of the nine climbers have gone into cardiac arrest…yet. It will take them about a week to trek to the Everest base camp, with several porters and yaks helping to carry their 1,500 pounds.  That should do the trick.

4) Disclaimer: This joke needs to be done in person to get the full effect and I know it’s raunchy, so mom, earmuffs please

If you’ve ever been to Sea World and enjoyed it, you’re probably a terrible person.  Recent studies show that dolphins and orcas are more social than humans and are so intelligent they should be recognized as "non-human persons" and be given their own bill of rights.  In light of this news, performing porpoises around the world went on strike. And if you don’t know what an “angry dolphin” looks like, just try "surprising" your girlfriend in the behind. (dolphin imitation).  

Shamu Meets Young Mom

According to Hollywood, somewhere between the ages of 22 and 29, my character breakdown went from "young minx" to "young mom". I'm not sure when this change occurred but I have to say I try not to get insulted when my casting notice in-box is filled with "young mom" auditions. Don't get me wrong, my friends who have kids are hot, and young, and of course moms, but when you don't have kids and wish you read minx, it's a hard pill to swallow. Let me start by saying that the backstory to this story is that for the last seven years I have exclusively auditioned and worked as a host, not an actor, and certainly not as a commercial actor. I gave that up when I left LA for New York and realized I sort of hated actors but wanted to interview them, just not be one. That being said, when I started the audition process out here, I not only needed money, but LA Casting is also filled with commercial audition notices promising THOUSANDS of dollars for you to say one line or simply smile. Seriously?? All I have to do is smile and deliver a line and you're going to pay me a lot of money? I could sell-out for that. During the seven years I had been away, an old friend of mine coincidentally became a commercial agent and out of the goodness of her heart, signed me, and started sending me out into the wacky world of commercial auditions.

First up was an audition for Sea World. Yup you read that right, Sea World, not Nike, not Budweiser, not anything sexy like that, just Sea World. Awesome. It again called for a young mom and payed thousands for one line. I decided I was going to land this one. I went into my sad excuse for a wardrobe and pulled out my most mom like outfit that I had purchased just for situations like this one. Baby blue button down, jeans, and flats. I was ready. With my "mom" headshot in hand I made the trip from Santa Monica to West Hollywood. The second I hit La Brea I knew I was in la la land because I glanced to my left and spotted Lisa Vanderpump with geriatric husband in tow, ducking into a lamp store while a few paparazzi shoved each other out of the way trying to snap a picture. I was so captivated by the circus to my left I nearly hit the paparazzo who did a leaping butt slide off the parked car to my right, running in front of me, and into on coming traffic to get a picture of a housewife no one really cares about. It must have been a slow day for celebrity sitings in Hollywood.

I parked my car and headed in, but not before some douche in an SUV backed up gently into my bumper, and then, realizing I was still in the car, sped away like a bat out of hell. Touche Douche (pronounce it like both words are French, there you go). Slightly flustered and already annoyed I checked my slightly scraped bumper and opened the doors to casting. On the way up the stairs, two models/streetwalkers shoved past me in hooker heels and bandaid dresses, causing me to wonder whether the "young mom" auditions also called for stripper outfits. Damn. Immediately after, two men in business suits came clamoring down as well just adding to my confusion. Wall Street Pros and Sorority Hoes perhaps? Still determined to meet Shamu, I made it to the second floor and instead met commercial audition hell.

There were at least seven different castings going on in the large waiting area, business men in one corner, streetwalkers in the other, and smack dab in the middle, young moms with their actual babies in bassinets next to them. Shit I forgot to bring my baby. As I went to sign in, the "LA straight" casting director gave me a big hug and said, "Hey it's so good to see you again!" Huh? Whatever, clearly the "young mom" he has me confused with is on his good side so I'll take it. I plopped myself down next to a mom in her 40's and her baby. The casting notice also called for husbands and kids between the ages of 7 and 12 to play family. You can only imagine. I quickly got paired up with my "family." A 10 year old girl with blonde, perfectly curled hair, lipstick and mascara, my frat boy turned father "husband", and me. Picture perfect. As we made our introductions and sat down to rehearse our sides (scripts), I noticed my "husband" seemed to be intently staring off into space. I asked him if everything was alright and he answered, "Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out my motivation here." I shit you not. Have I mentioned I hate actors? We then proceeded to rehearse, with my "husband" overacting on my left, and my "daughter" (PS I was a teen mom) trying too hard on my right. The kid was cute, but a total product of an overzealous stage mom living out her failures through her daughter. I felt bad for the kid but she was kind of an asshole. Is that bad? My "husband" then proceeded to coach my "daughter" on how to overact until it was time to go in.

In the end, I got through it, dutifully said my one line, and even got a call back a week later. Unfortunately it seems some other "young mom" is going to get to meet Shamu, but boy did I have a good laugh from my experience.

And Scene.

E!

To make up for the horrendous casting experience I had last week, something pretty cool presented itself this week. I finally got an opportunity to screen test for The Mecca, The Holy Grail, a host's wet dream, E! Entertainment. In this city they say who you know is everything, and while seven years in New York has made me inclined to interact with as few people as possible, I did have a meeting with a friend's brother's girlfriend who happened to work at E...exclamation point. I didn't know what to expect because most people in the entertainment industry are either batshit crazy or full of themselves (I hold both titles) and the thought of having coffee with someone prettier and more successful than me didn't sound like much fun. I'm kidding, I was just nervous, my social skills with strangers that don't amount to "f***k off" are just now beginning kick in. It turns out that not only are there normal people who work for industry giants, but some of them are downright delightful as well. This girl was one of those people. She sent anyone with an email address a blast about me and voila, two weeks later I had a screen test scheduled with casting. What?? Just like that?? It blew my mind.

With that out of the way, my old friend anxiety set in. What the hell was I going to wear?? I had already wasted my "good outfit" on the interview. Anyone who knows me also knows I wear clothing until they are merely a threadbare semblance of their former selves or until someone physically rips the rag off my body and forbids me to ever wear it again. In addition, the thought of shopping always brings on at least an hour of scouring the internet for free Xanax, and bouts of procrastination that leave me with the night before to find the perfect dress. OK I'm exaggerating, but only a little, I do truly hate shopping. I called a good fashionista friend to help, and after two hours and 30 failed inquiries of, "Do you carry anything in Cobalt blue," I gave-up and pulled a dress I had worn a million times out of my closet. An oldie but a goodie.

I had been practicing the entire week, and by practicing I mean running the copy about Daniel Radcliffe being an alcoholic on the set of Harry Potter, out loud, everywhere I went. In my car, running on the beach, in the shower, I got more than a few weird looks every time I exclaimed "Hogwarts!" Sigh. Whatever, there was going to be no teleprompter and I needed to know this thing backwards and forwards.

On the morning of, I gave myself four hours to get ready, a reasonable amount of time. I showered, blow dried, curled, tanned, air brushed, plucked, and glued on my newly purchased fake eye lashes. With thirty minutes to go time, I stepped back to take it all in and almost had a heart attack. Holy shit I looked like a porn star. Don't get me wrong, the hair was good, the dress was decent, the legs looked nothing like their pasty selves, but the lashes, oh my god the lashes. Now THIS is what I should have looked like for last week's audition. But it was too late to take them off and re-do everything so I left convincing myself they would look normal on camera. Wouldn't they?

After I parked and teetered my way into the magnificent holding cell that is E!'s lobby, I gave my name to the teenage receptionist and sat down. The room feels like you're actually on the set of E!; Red couches, framed pictures of Giuliana and Ryan, ten flat screen TVs all playing E!'s programming with the audio turned up to Ice and Coco, and wait...I know him...isn't that that one guy?? You know that one guy that builds houses and makes people cry. Yes! Sitting across from me was Ty Pennington! He had to wait too? Here with us commoners?? That's when I felt super cool. "S'up Ty, you have a meeting too? Yeah I'm just screen testing today, Oh you too? Cool, well break a leg." Not. Before I could figure out whether he was staring at me because he was wondering if my eye-lashes were going to eat him or because I was staring him down, two cute interns came down and whisked him out the doors through the marble lobby.

Finally my turn came, and the impossibly normal, laid back, wish we were friends, casting director came down and took me upstairs. We had met the week before for a general meeting and I'm pretty sure I convinced myself we were going to be best friends after this experience was over but my "new look" suddenly had me thinking otherwise. Did she think I looked ridiculous? Probably. Did she care? Probably not. The Kids Choice Awards were that night, my lashes were the least of her concerns. She took me through the maze of cubicles and more urban chic lobbies until we reached the little room that holds your destiny. Casting. I would just like to note that anytime I audition for anything I feel like Katniss in The Hunger Games as she is rising up through the ground to see the dome for the first time. A little dramatic? Yes. Do I always feel like I'm going to pass out as the little red light starts blinking and they're counting me down? Absolutely. I should reconsider my profession.

All in all I think I did OK, I didn't flub the copy (my neighbors and beach friends will be happy I'm sure), I paced myself, tried to be smiley and pleasant even though I was talking about everyone's favorite boy wizard boozing it up, and got a pretty standard, "Great I think we got it, we'll keep this on file for when something comes up." So that's that. Maybe I'll get to fill in for an anchor one day, maybe I'll interview Brangelina at some point, but one thing is for certain, those lashes will haunt me for the rest of my auditioning days.

And Scene.

LA Hosting Auditions

I'm not gonna lie, it has been a little difficult going from this

To this

No that's not me in the two piece Where's Waldo dress, and no I'm not saying I'm the bee's knees, but it IS what the competition at my last hosting audition looked like; And this girl didn't even win worst dressed. The audition experience in LA has been a trip to say the least. I don't even know how to explain it exactly. It's not just that a lot of the girls come to castings looking like they are hitting up a nightclub right after, or that you're standing in line with every reality TV star that has ever been on camera, for me it's more the fact that in NY a host was a host and an actress was an actress. For the most part. As a host you usually showed up dressed professionally (I'm not talking a suit set here people just classy) because you are deemed to be an expert in some area, and if you're an actress then you show up dressed for whatever the role requires. Well in LA it seems the only rule is the more skin the better and at this audition I was clearly the nun at a reform school.

I left NY on a high note after hosting New Years Eve for a second year, and felt pretty confident coming to LA with NY experience under my belt. I guess I should have thought again. I don't know if I expected Hollywood to open its arms and exclaim, "Oh thank goodness, we've been waiting for you!" but I also didn't expect it to be as hard as it has been. In no way do I consider myself the best thing that has happened to hosting since Ryan Seacrest, but I do pride myself on being prepared, professional, and pretty good at what I do. I'm not sure if LA agrees.

This particular audition called for a host who can also produce and write her own show. Finally, I thought, all my hard work in NYC as a one-woman producing and hosting machine was going to pay off! All the long hours of writing and pitching shows was going to give me the clear advantage here! Well after standing in line for an hour (oh yes in line, like a cattle call line), and enduring one reality star in front of me describe how she sold her wedding pictures to US weekly for a million dollars, while another asked everyone in line how old they were and when she got to me exclaimed, "30??!! You're almost 30??!! Wow we are getting old up in here!" I was definitely ready to go in.

The audition started off well, it was more of an interview than anything and I can definitely give a mean interview, so I was feeling good. WAS being the operative word here, until I did the unthinkable. They asked me to describe something I had watched on TV the night before and because I knew this question was coming I had prepared a 45 second Talk Soup style rant about one of my favorite shows. I launched into it confidently, and even thought I saw the producer give the casting director an approving nod behind the camera. As I came to the end of my copy it was clear that something was amiss. Where was the knee slapping, the high fives, the standing ovation?? Crickets. I don't even know if Hollywood Blvd has any but I'm sure I heard them.

The casting director took a deep breath and asked me if I had written that. "Yes" I answered enthusiastically, "Yes I did!" Silence. The casting director then told me that was unfortunate because they absolutely hadn't asked us to write anything and that they just wanted me to improvise. She also informed me that they had loved me during the first part of my audition but now, well now, I had really screwed it up by writing something. Ummm what? Hold please. How did this happen?? I just got chewed out for coming to an audition prepared, with the ability to show them I could write and produce and I was in trouble?? Epic. Fail. Needless to say I was perplexed and then annoyed that I suddenly felt like a child being scolded by her teacher. So I left and promptly looked for someone to punch in the face. OK that's not true but I was pretty bummed to say the least, but still decided to learn something from the experience. That is, next time you go to an audition, make sure to have your tits out and your brain tucked away where no one can see it. And Scene.

:)

East Meets West

How does one say goodbye to a city they have loved and lived in for seven years? It's not easy I'll tell you that much. I left LA for New York on a whim a long time ago because it was a place I always dreamed of experiencing. Although I had a passport filled with stamps I had never even set foot in The Big Apple. With two suitcases in hand, I flew to Europe for a month, landed in New York and simply didn't take my return flight home. It was a risk, but also the greatest adventure of my life. Over those seven years I found my career, fell in love, got my heart broken, moved four times, played a lot, cried a lot, met some crazy people, and also met some amazing people who I know I will call friends forever. Most importantly I finally met the love of my life. I got engaged, decided I was tired of the noise, and convinced my New York born Brooklyn boy it was time to move back to the West Coast.

WHAT WERE WE THINKING??! I'm kidding. Sort of:) It has definitely been an adjustment, and has taken the last three months to get used to the pace, or lack thereof in sunny LA. Anytime I watch a movie with an NYC skyline my stomach hurts a little. You are always going to wonder whether or not you made the right decision especially because at this point (15 thousand dollars later) it's not like you can really take it back. Luckily with the help of some amazing long time friends here, we have gotten into the LA groove just fine. Living six blocks from the beach has helped a little. I think about my friends and my city all the time but know in my heart this is where we need to be right now. I also don't particularly miss mutant rats, people peeing on subway seats next to me, or the often exhausting energy it takes to fight your way through the jungle, also known as Manhattan.

So why start a blog now? The time to do it was obviously when I lived in the most exciting city in the world right?? Or at least during my crazy adventures skinny dipping in St. Sebastian (yes that happened). Well I'm bored people!!! What the heck else are you going to do in LA besides take shots of wheat grass, run on the beach, and weigh yourself??:) My plan is a lot. I plan to do a lot and this is my way of being held accountable for that. Also, if there is anyway I can help people who have just moved here navigate what can seem like a slightly vapid place at times, I want to do that. The truth is LA is pretty awesome, you just have to know how to live here. So I'm finally starting a blog. About where to go, how to live, and what it feels like starting over in a career you thought you had a handle on because Frank said, "If I can make it there I can make it anywhere," and he did NOT mean LA. Le Sigh. I'm also going to include posts about what it's like to audition out here (It. Is. Weird.) and how to keep your spirits up when you're chasing an extremely difficult dream. Stupid dream, I hate that I love you.

Well I'm going to go drink a green smoothie now, run on the beach, and sit by the phone hoping E! Entertainment calls me. Yes, I am sooooo LA.